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A Man's View of Caregiving

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"This is ridiculous -- I'll never make it." I don't know how many times I said that to myself after we got the crushing news that my wife had Alzheimer's disease. It didn't take long to know that, buddy you're going to have to do it all by yourself from now on. I had to take over some of the chores -- housework, cooking (rudimentary, as it was), grocery shopping, laundry, and so on. Pretty easy stuff, really. As the disease progressed, I more and more had to enter the woman's world, and I wasn't too comfortable about it. I served in the Marine Corps for three years in World War II and we always said that after we got out, we'd make some woman a pretty good wife. I learned how to sew, press my clothes and clean house. But the Corps never taught me how to shop for women's clothing, or to go to a hairdresser, or worst of all, help a woman buy a pair of shoes.

When I took over the kitchen, I realized that my days of helter-skelter impulse buying were over. I had to start planning meals -- I didn't want to rely on frozen dinners. That meant reading the meal guides in newspapers and magazines. And writing lists. I became a pretty good comparison shopper and coupon clipper. I found an old Fanny Farmer cookbook which helped me prepare meals that consisted of more than hot dogs and hamburger.

The first time I went to the store to buy some bras and panties I nearly panicked -- they're going to think I'm some whacko who wants to parade around the house in women's clothes. Then it dawned on me -- send up a flare. If you explain your problem to salesclerks you'll find out that they'll go out of their way to help. Just be sure you know the right sizes. Get a woman to help you there. Don't try that "she's about your size." You'll always be wrong. If you take your wife with you on a shopping expedition, don't -- repeat don't -- ever let her go in the fitting room to try on anything. You'll go nuts waiting for her to reappear and you might have to send out a rescue mission.

On my first visit to a hair salon I thought I was in Alice's Looking Glass World. Why can't it be like a barber shop? I buried my face, not in Sports Illustrated (there wasn't a copy in site), but in Glamour and vowed that my daughter would assume this burden from that day on. Mercifully, she did.

Little girls are sugar and spice and everything nice, except feet. High insteps, low insteps, fallen arches, narrow heels, you name it, they've got them. I don't know any man that wants to accompany a female on a shoe excursion. A trek across Antarctica seems simple by comparison. Sneakers are a breeze. It's those dress shoes that are killers. After countless attempts to fit my wife, I surrendered. No more malls. I went to a custom store where the staff was trained in the complexities of the female foot. It cost more but my ulcer was soothed.

What is the answer to caring for a woman with Alzheimer's? There really isn't any single answer or combination of suggestions that will cover everything. As time goes on and things get more difficult you'll find that each day brings a problem you never imagined. There is only one maxim: Don't be too afraid, too shy, too embarrassed or too proud to seek help. You'll get it.

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courtesy of the Detroit Area Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association

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Last updated: December 12, 1997

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© 1997, 1998 & 1999 Alzheimer's Association, Northern Virginia Chapter. All rights reserved.

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